Humiliated.

Do some Doctor’s take the advantage of getting a cheap thrill or a laugh out of looking at a woman’s body when its not really necessary? “yes some do” without a doubt. I see a kidney specialist on acashions after the major op- I had nearly two years ago, he is young and attractive. I told him about a pain on my left side, before I could blink he had a nurse in and wanted to see my stomach saying, “Well you said you had stomach ace” but I didn’t say any such thing. Anyway I took nothing of and lifted up my top under my breast so he could see nothing there and I rolled my trousers to the top so he saw nothing except a wopping big scar in the middle of my stomach and a hole where I once had a navel not a pretty sight,he laughed because he knew I was not going to let him see anymore of me knowing he did not need to. I felt humiliated ,taken advantage of, I came out annoyed he had covered a sneezy act by having a nurse in the room.

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Its who I am.

A priest once said to me “there is something so godly about you” and I never really knew what he was meaning by that so I thought no more about it until now.  I suppose unlike many who rebel against all that is wrong in there life, blame every one else, and want to hurt everyone else I never did. When people speak of there familys and there love for one another I don’t feel jealous or envious I feel happy for them I share in there joy even as an outsider.  Someone hurts me I pray about it I don’t revenge anyone. Much as been taken from me wrongfully  I have been hurt physically and mentally but to hurt back would just hurt me more. That is how I am not by choice, its who I am.

Wasted life.

Maybe its possible to come together with a long lost sister or brother after many years of both having been adopted but to be the only one never having been a part of that family no way could that void ever be filled adoption as separated you in such a way. You have lived a false life all of your life, you never belonged where you were and you knew that and there was nothing you could do about it everything about it is wrong. You hate the life thrust upon you, you were no more loved and wanted than by the one who gave you away, you are a commodity, like someone wanting a dog just because everyone else seemed to have one not because they love dogs, you are there  child as long as you please them.

Insanity.

I get scared I always knew I was eccentric but I am beginning to think I am from a long line of madness.  My grandmother just up and left her children for a young man a home she owned. My mother had adopted just some of her kids and now I shudder with fear when I read of a woman called Dolours Price who could be related to my grandmother, having the same surname.  0nly distant relative perhaps but noooooo this woman is a murderer and goes against every thing I believe in, to me this woman is insane to murder a woman with ten children who had done nothing wrong, even if she had noooo. I some times think I have passed on this insane gene with my own flitty daughter one day after being with me all my life deciding she no longer wanted to see me because she hates old people, she said and I laughed saying so do I, but she meant it a cold-hearted soul (Is she mad?) where did that come from ?I would never do some thing like that?.

Welcome your one of us.

I don’t care that much about stats and having thousands of followers it really means nothing. It’s a bit like standing on a stage and having loud applause from the crowds then going home to an empty house. If some one is interested in what I write I am pleased if they are not that is 0k too, I write because I want to,when I want to, about what I want to.

I have mentioned before that going back in time I did not meet with any one who said to me, “Welcome Jane you are one of us” but even if they did I question whether I would have felt like one of them after spending most of my life separated from my family due to a mother who dumped the kids she didn’t want, who appeared selective about what kids she wanted to keep, perhaps it was an inconvenient time for her when I was born and she had better fish to fry so to speak. She deceived a lot of people, her children had a sister they never knew, her grandchildren had an aunt they never knew and most of all she deceived my father who she must have feared one day would find out about me but lucky for her he died first. And just like many other’s people loved the woman they thought she was.