Good news.

Things are looking up at last a newly found nephew Dna tested sent me some photographs of my brothers and sisters that I have never met I felt a bit sad that at thirty two years of age I was alone in the world and they were out there and I did not know at that time there was not any internet and no computor’s here then. He cares about me I can tell that makes my world a better place.

World falling apart.

I can try to talk my way out of being who I am but it will never work, I can pretend to be nothing to do with them and its easy to do as I never knew them but whatever I do I can not change that it was that woman that gave birth to me no one else, it is her mother who was my grandmother who wasn’t really even there for my mother let alone me. Who would choose such people to be your family no one would but I had to know who they were as a matter of form.  I grew up with little or no interest in knowing them but as I grew older I knew I would have to find out who they were. I have the picture its clear I don’t need photographs  to show me. I have seen the big house where it all started and how it all collapsed and ended up when it all fell like a deck of cards and wrecked every thing in sight of it, me included. Like a world falling apart because of one selfish woman.

Believe it or not.

People seek information on Google but where does that information come from?  Some times some one is volunteering to tell stuff knowing that some one might want to know hoping it will satisfy there curiosity, not all information Google collects is fact some comes freely from people that want to give it and volunteer it for there own reasons, maybe it sets themselves free hoping nobody will bother them if they give this info that may only be partly true.  It gives some people enough of an answer to there question and all is laid to rest, some times not always.

Shudder.

At the end of last evening I seeked out the only one thing of interest to watch on tv the murder of a young girl that used to act on tv in a program called Eastender’s ,why would anybody want to kill her?  I did hope we would get answers and that this was not going to end leaving us still asking those questions.  Soon we knew who was the murderer and how jealous he was of her, her own brother he hated her because she was having success and he was not. This maniac chopped her body up and it was found in pieces in a canal in London. It takes some getting our head around such an horrendous thing and done to his own sister out of jealousy. To most normol people this makes no sense and not worth doing such a horrible thing to anybody for and we would not want to but it shows that there are some vile people out there and some of them can be some one very close to us. SHUDDER!

Blood thicker than water no.

More care should be given when putting “it” about as its easy to do if your a male.  And women should stop to think about the consequence of freely giving away sex to anybody there is a price to pay.  Some times a child is born unwanted and deprived due to lack of self control.  When I was told I would die if I had another child I knew it and it was an amazing contraceptive I needed no other so as much as I might have liked to give into things I never did.  Deprived kids, deprived of love and proper care makes for a rotten life and a rotten future for many I know so well.

I got rid of my so called family tree full of names of people I never knew nobody I would miss any more than they me.  People related to me who have never been there for me, no love lost, I learned from my experience blood is no thicker than water unless you want it to be, blood is just the coloured water that runs through your body slightly thicker than water some times but be careful  if you think it makes a difference to relationships it doesn’t.

Travel companion huh!

My hubby is an armchair traveller sits watching exciting places on tv but as no desire to visit them.  So I took a trip with a friend one I will never forget, there was I thinking I knew her. This woman kept me awake all night snoring loudly and had bad habits I would not repeat and came down in the evenings to dance putting on the lady act, she was no company a tall for me, by the time it was all over I didn’t care if I never saw her again never mind share a room with her. I have not been tempted to do it again since, if that’s the choice I have think I will stay at home, the company is as important as the place you go specially if you share the same room. As for going solo I like my own company some of the time but I also like some one to share a part of the day with.

Humiliated.

Do some Doctor’s take the advantage of getting a cheap thrill or a laugh out of looking at a woman’s body when its not really necessary? “yes some do” without a doubt. I see a kidney specialist on acashions after the major op- I had nearly two years ago, he is young and attractive. I told him about a pain on my left side, before I could blink he had a nurse in and wanted to see my stomach saying, “Well you said you had stomach ace” but I didn’t say any such thing. Anyway I took nothing of and lifted up my top under my breast so he could see nothing there and I rolled my trousers to the top so he saw nothing except a wopping big scar in the middle of my stomach and a hole where I once had a navel not a pretty sight,he laughed because he knew I was not going to let him see anymore of me knowing he did not need to. I felt humiliated ,taken advantage of, I came out annoyed he had covered a sneezy act by having a nurse in the room.

Its who I am.

A priest once said to me “there is something so godly about you” and I never really knew what he was meaning by that so I thought no more about it until now.  I suppose unlike many who rebel against all that is wrong in there life, blame every one else, and want to hurt everyone else I never did. When people speak of there familys and there love for one another I don’t feel jealous or envious I feel happy for them I share in there joy even as an outsider.  Someone hurts me I pray about it I don’t revenge anyone. Much as been taken from me wrongfully  I have been hurt physically and mentally but to hurt back would just hurt me more. That is how I am not by choice, its who I am.

Wasted life.

Maybe its possible to come together with a long lost sister or brother after many years of both having been adopted but to be the only one never having been a part of that family no way could that void ever be filled adoption as separated you in such a way. You have lived a false life all of your life, you never belonged where you were and you knew that and there was nothing you could do about it everything about it is wrong. You hate the life thrust upon you, you were no more loved and wanted than by the one who gave you away, you are a commodity, like someone wanting a dog just because everyone else seemed to have one not because they love dogs, you are there  child as long as you please them.

Insanity.

I get scared I always knew I was eccentric but I am beginning to think I am from a long line of madness.  My grandmother just up and left her children for a young man a home she owned. My mother had adopted just some of her kids and now I shudder with fear when I read of a woman called Dolours Price who could be related to my grandmother, having the same surname.  0nly distant relative perhaps but noooooo this woman is a murderer and goes against every thing I believe in, to me this woman is insane to murder a woman with ten children who had done nothing wrong, even if she had noooo. I some times think I have passed on this insane gene with my own flitty daughter one day after being with me all my life deciding she no longer wanted to see me because she hates old people, she said and I laughed saying so do I, but she meant it a cold-hearted soul (Is she mad?) where did that come from ?I would never do some thing like that?.