I can try to talk my way out of being who I am but it will never work, I can pretend to be nothing to do with them and its easy to do as I… More
More care should be given when putting “it” about as its easy to do if your a male. And women should stop to think about the consequence of freely giving away sex to anybody there is a price to pay. Some times a child is born unwanted and deprived due to lack of self control. When I was told I would die if I had another child I knew it and it was an amazing contraceptive I needed no other so as much as I might have liked to give into things I never did. Deprived kids, deprived of love and proper care makes for a rotten life and a rotten future for many I know so well.
I got rid of my so called family tree full of names of people I never knew nobody I would miss any more than they me. People related to me who have never been there for me, no love lost, I learned from my experience blood is no thicker than water unless you want it to be, blood is just the coloured water that runs through your body slightly thicker than water some times but be careful if you think it makes a difference to relationships it doesn’t.
My hubby is an armchair traveller sits watching exciting places on tv but as no desire to visit them. So I took a trip with a friend one I will never forget, there was I thinking I knew her. This woman kept me awake all night snoring loudly and had bad habits I would not repeat and came down in the evenings to dance putting on the lady act, she was no company a tall for me, by the time it was all over I didn’t care if I never saw her again never mind share a room with her. I have not been tempted to do it again since, if that’s the choice I have think I will stay at home, the company is as important as the place you go specially if you share the same room. As for going solo I like my own company some of the time but I also like some one to share a part of the day with.
Do some Doctor’s take the advantage of getting a cheap thrill or a laugh out of looking at a woman’s body when its not really necessary? “yes some do” without a doubt. I see a kidney specialist on acashions after the major op- I had nearly two years ago, he is young and attractive. I told him about a pain on my left side, before I could blink he had a nurse in and wanted to see my stomach saying, “Well you said you had stomach ace” but I didn’t say any such thing. Anyway I took nothing of and lifted up my top under my breast so he could see nothing there and I rolled my trousers to the top so he saw nothing except a wopping big scar in the middle of my stomach and a hole where I once had a navel not a pretty sight,he laughed because he knew I was not going to let him see anymore of me knowing he did not need to. I felt humiliated ,taken advantage of, I came out annoyed he had covered a sneezy act by having a nurse in the room.
A priest once said to me “there is something so godly about you” and I never really knew what he was meaning by that so I thought no more about it until now. I suppose unlike many who rebel against all that is wrong in there life, blame every one else, and want to hurt everyone else I never did. When people speak of there familys and there love for one another I don’t feel jealous or envious I feel happy for them I share in there joy even as an outsider. Someone hurts me I pray about it I don’t revenge anyone. Much as been taken from me wrongfully I have been hurt physically and mentally but to hurt back would just hurt me more. That is how I am not by choice, its who I am.
Maybe its possible to come together with a long lost sister or brother after many years of both having been adopted but to be the only one never having been a part of that family no way could that void ever be filled adoption as separated you in such a way. You have lived a false life all of your life, you never belonged where you were and you knew that and there was nothing you could do about it everything about it is wrong. You hate the life thrust upon you, you were no more loved and wanted than by the one who gave you away, you are a commodity, like someone wanting a dog just because everyone else seemed to have one not because they love dogs, you are there child as long as you please them.
I get scared I always knew I was eccentric but I am beginning to think I am from a long line of madness. My grandmother just up and left her children for a young man a home she owned. My mother had adopted just some of her kids and now I shudder with fear when I read of a woman called Dolours Price who could be related to my grandmother, having the same surname. 0nly distant relative perhaps but noooooo this woman is a murderer and goes against every thing I believe in, to me this woman is insane to murder a woman with ten children who had done nothing wrong, even if she had noooo. I some times think I have passed on this insane gene with my own flitty daughter one day after being with me all my life deciding she no longer wanted to see me because she hates old people, she said and I laughed saying so do I, but she meant it a cold-hearted soul (Is she mad?) where did that come from ?I would never do some thing like that?.
I don’t care that much about stats and having thousands of followers it really means nothing. It’s a bit like standing on a stage and having loud applause from the crowds then going home to an empty house. If some one is interested in what I write I am pleased if they are not that is 0k too, I write because I want to,when I want to, about what I want to.
I have mentioned before that going back in time I did not meet with any one who said to me, “Welcome Jane you are one of us” but even if they did I question whether I would have felt like one of them after spending most of my life separated from my family due to a mother who dumped the kids she didn’t want, who appeared selective about what kids she wanted to keep, perhaps it was an inconvenient time for her when I was born and she had better fish to fry so to speak. She deceived a lot of people, her children had a sister they never knew, her grandchildren had an aunt they never knew and most of all she deceived my father who she must have feared one day would find out about me but lucky for her he died first. And just like many other’s people loved the woman they thought she was.
The sun goes down upon a life
that battled to belong
time is running out to seek
roots never to be found
a home to belong where arms
are held wide comforting sounds
voices saying Welcome your
home where you belong
you are loved and wanted
loved unconditionally here
you are special and can do no wrong.
Be prepared for the ups and downs the surprises and much more when you take a journey through time with genealogy finding out about yourself things you never knew about. My DNA left me very surprised I found that I was 71% English 24% Scandinavian and 4% Irish Scots and Welsh. I found I had many more Irish relatives than English and nearly as many Scandinavian relatives as Irish I found that most of my relatives live in America. It all gives a new look to my life.
I know I must think differently to most other’s if I see what I consider to be some thing worth while but as not been voted as the best I will vote for it, I think those who are not up front as winners need my vote much more than those who are. I am too aware that people do not always win or achieve by merit some will do anything to qualify to have some thing to boast about to there friends and family and rope in everybody they know to back them even though many will only be backing and supporting some thing because they are a friend and not because they are impressed by what they have done. I went to a dog show with one of my terrier dogs many moons ago and some men stood behind me eyeing my dog up and down and one was heard to say “He is bloody good but he aint gonna win”.