Lonly people.

We have a great big world out there and there are many people related to us we never know about. So many lonly souls young and old with few friends some with non atall, why? many people don’t trust easy many have been badly let down and deeply hurt by others. Children are let down and hurt by the very one that should love them and be there for them there parants, some are abused, other’s get every thing they want except love, some parants think giving a child every thing it asks for is love but infact its there conscionce talking and saying sorry I am not here I have other things to do, work to do, people to see.

Born to be.

I always thought I had been born into a catholic family and I was right, why did I think that you might ask, because I believed quite strongly in many of the ways of the catholic religion and knew about them even though I had never been in a catholic Church in my life, my adoptive mother had told me “You have to go to Church I don’t care which one but I said that you would”.  Who did she say that to I have no idea, but I was given a gold cross with latin words on by some one who put it into the palm of my hand I don’t remember who as a child it was nobody I knew.. I believed water was holy and would cure me when I was ill I believed in confession being good for the soul it came from inside me not from any where else.  I often found myself pulled towards the catholic Church but never went there and had a harsh dream of being dragged along the path of a Church and forced to stand at the front of this Church where I was blessed and the same dream came when I was unconscious in hospital last year.

Genealogy is it worth it.

I did a genealogy course not because it is some thing that I would choose to do as a hobby or pastime but to find out who my so called family were. I had always been led to believe that I came from an Irish background by the people that adopted me partly because my adoptive mother said ” I told them I wanted an english baby,white and healthy”. Does it not make you think where is the love?.  Then she would say I was not english I was Irish but of course I am english I was born here.

But I took up genealogy to find out who I am and I did but as things moved on I lost the plot like trying to find out my grandmothers maiden name, where to start, who to ask.  There was nobody to ask unlike many others I knew no family to ask if they remembered soandso the story of my life having nobody reliable to advise me about anything. And I found links to people I had never heard of one being a very big catholic Irish family my mother or grandmother were part of but nobody made it clear exactly what the link was with this family.

Peoples names change, women marry some times more than once even in those days and linking people becomes very difficult specially if they have made a deliberate effort to hide things as does happen. I found it a mixture of things this genealogy, exciting, uplifting at times but more than anything frustrating and now I understand why some take a break from it and come back or never come back to it.  There were even times when I felt I was being led astray by some helpers who did not help atall and I asked myself why am I bothering most are dead anyway now and were any of them worthy of my efforts to know about them probably not. Maybe I know all I need to know who my father and mother are its all I needed anyway, it becomes a very expensive hobby one many can not offord.

Not for me.

I feel for the elderly I know of some who sits all day in an arm chair just waiting for a visit from some one with no interest in anything. This I know might be me but it is not because I use a computor and can exchange a few words with some one if I wish.  Most things I do are alone, I paint and draw, I write, I embroider, in summer I love my garden and fill my garden with flowers I have grown, I love shopping and trying new things.  But I know elderly people who do nothing but rely on family to visit and occupy them and get frustrated when they can’t get to them for any reason, they appear to be totally reliant on others for every thing when they are really capable of amusing themselves. I think maybe it is that they become like children and there children treat them as such the result being they become less and less able to do for themselves and often there children find it all too much in the end and mother must go in a home. Believe me I have my difficultys and my health is not good but I am so glad I can amuse myself, I might get lonly at times but I get over it with doing some thing not relying on other people I am glad to say.

Lonly people.

We hear all the time about lonly people and I think they are not all old people there are young people too who feel lonly some times. We hear about bullying and the tragic cases of some young people commiting suicide it is horrible when some one does not fit in and so often it is some of the nicest people that get abused because they are possibly quiet or simply different in some way even some times prettier than others or cleverer. Abuse can be threats of violence or just about anything a normol person finds difficult to deal with every day at School or work because bullying can go on in adult life too.

Crossing the line.

Lots of things cross my mind like how difficult it is these days to get an intelligent conversation with any one we have all got so used to computor’s where an answer might come to our quest or not. Where so many just want to brag and boast about themselves on facebook where some try to make themselves popular at all costs and want to boast the huge following they have  all pointless meaningless stuff.  I think of how some people want to blame other’s for how they feel about them its ” He does this or he does that I don’t like”, or “I don’t like the way he lives so I have nothing to do with him” Many of the reason’s are exscuses. Some people will report some one as not coping to authoritys before they will give that person a helping hand. And how things have got so much worse with children suffering terrible neglect not through lack of money but lack of love. Murder no longer shocks people as it once did we hear nearly every day that some one as killed some one even a child, well I know they want religion removed from School and any where else but religion was the one thing that made us all draw the line and say “No I won’t do that I draw the line there”,  now there is nothing stopping any one doing any evil there is no line they will not cross.

Waiting about.

Up at 6.0clock again must be at hospital for 9.0clock for my blood test taken each week because my kidneys were badly effected by the illness before my op- and the hospital said I must have them checked regular, turned out to be more regular than expected with pills I am given that might make things worse. Each time I hope I am 0k again so hate hospital’s. Looking forward to the summer time and warmer days. Must take my little dog out before I got to hospital and have some thing to eat or I will fade out before dinner time. Turned out a lot more people waiting today and many with coughs and colds.

Goodbye.

I thought I was too old to fall in love

passion had left my life

I thought it no longer mattered

I gave it not a second thought then one day I

came home from hospital after a serious illness

and a man I had hardly noticed before reached

out to me he hugged me close and I realised soon

after I had fell in love

We looked across at one another and his face

gave it all away we wanted

to be together but we were both deeply involved

with some one else we cared about

But this we had together we had never felt

and did not dare let it happen

it would hurt too many people.

It was painful neaither of us could offord what

this would mean.

I think of him all the time never

a day goes by I long to be with him but I know it

would cost too much for us to be together

and we must face that it mean’s goodbye.

by J.B.